Day 2 of the robot invasion, 09.35 hrs most of the HM's are asleep. Titan's commotion wakes the HM's as they are not very well rested, it is not what they want to see or hear first thing in the morning! Shabby would probably say the robot was HEINOUS! :D Oooh looky here, Corin has climbed into Bed with a Neanderthal! Steve finds Titan absolutely f**king brilliant as he pops out a tune - 'I've been cleaning windows.'
They rejoice in Big Brobot's announcement that hot water has now been restored 'for goodness sake, stop discussing nominations!' Immediately after it starts to play back sound bites from the HM's stay in the house - firstly Steve saying that sometimes he still can't believe he's in there. A phone ringing is imitated and a recorded message from Dave's wife, Donna is piped out as she wishes him a Happy Anniversary. As they usually celebrate with a curry, she's arranged with Big Brobot for him to have a steaming vindaloo with him tonight. Monky is overcome with emotion.
10.25am, the planets are aligning to conspire against Corin who wants to lie down and sunbathe but her cardboard costume makes this a physical impossibility. If she doesn't get her rays soon, she'll become a basket case!! Mario is informing Caoimhe in the kitchen, of a NASA report he'd read which claimed extraterrestrials have given the Government cures for almost everything on the planet but they won't release it.
The reasons he gives for this are A) the elixirs are obviously extraterrestrial and if they made this public - they'd have to reveal aliens and B) they are making so much money from the pharmaceutical companies. All this was from a "reliable" source, you understand :P Caoimhe agrees with what he is saying but possibly just because she wants to shut down the conversation.
Josie comes to the Diary room and she doesn't look well.. far from well, like she wants to throw someone down a well!!! Big Brobot asks her how she is liking being a robot.
JOSIE: (she's not clicking her heels for joy) I've had it up to the ceiling of being a robot! I hate every single second of it! I'm a country girl, I just like to go out and feed my chickens and horses - I don't like things like this. These don't do anything for my figure.. I feel like a (can't make it out) it's at times like this, I wonder what I'm doing here.
She's then questioned if she can see the benefits of being a machine - she can't, not at all. 'I like being a human being! If that big thing is my boss, I don't know what I'm going to do - he frightens me to death. I don't like things like that! You gotta think about it, that ... I watched a lot of Terminator as a child.. there's things like that out there, that can kill you.'
Invariably, it's said that you can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl. And I think that is very true of Josie - she's a home bird through and through. While she's had 3 years almost now tasting the glitz and glamour of the showbizzy life (along with all the evils inside of it) and enjoys it now and then - it's clear to me that she'd sooner be at home with her sisters and dog, in a hoody and mucking out her Aunt's horse. She may look like a carbon copy of Sarah Harding these days (personally I do not see it as Josie always has been way prettier) but she's still that fun-loving, no nonsense loud chick with the heart of gold.
Invariably, it's said that you can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl. And I think that is very true of Josie - she's a home bird through and through. While she's had 3 years almost now tasting the glitz and glamour of the showbizzy life (along with all the evils inside of it) and enjoys it now and then - it's clear to me that she'd sooner be at home with her sisters and dog, in a hoody and mucking out her Aunt's horse. She may look like a carbon copy of Sarah Harding these days (personally I do not see it as Josie always has been way prettier) but she's still that fun-loving, no nonsense loud chick with the heart of gold.
10.49am, Ife's poor feet are so sore and she's just going to keep moaning about them today; Steve chuckles that she's lucky to have feet to be sore! Putting her FOOT in it even more, she holds one up to show him the hard skin on the bottom .. and then the penny is dropped and she gets it now. Can it, baldie!
Since Big Brobot has taken charge of the house, human HM's are in constant peril. Caoimhe and Mario are taking a shower and she squawks like a demented duck upon noticing the black paint/oil around her feet which Big Brobot have sent through the shower head! Out in the garden, Dave doesn't want any clouds of doom today 'just a good day, come on.' Nathan wrangles for Ben to do the washing up because it is his day to take a turn. And as per, the Quiff tries to wangle his way out of doing it as helping out is not the cupcake's forte.
Dave would cheerfully strangle Ben for not chipping in as they all have to and Ben hadn't done squat last night! As is his tendency, Ben digs his heels in and babbles his plethora of excuses that he's only just woken up and wants to lie in the sun for a few minutes 'and then I'll do what you want.' Benny doesn't want to be stressed out or for his friend to be a b*tch to him so Davey puts a supportive arm around him, when really everyone is ready to go ghetto on his heiney!
John and Steve take over the reins from Dave to rib Ben as he comes to the sink, he dispenses with trying to be polite 'oh f**k off!'
JOHN: You've gotta do something every now and then for the family, Benny!
A wobbler is thrown as Ben snaps that John does a lot for the family - causes rows and arguments; John takes that on the chin but asserts that Ben needs to do washing up. According to Ben he does so every lunch time and did it Friday with Dave and with that he waltzes back out to the garden. He'd sooner stick a javelin inside his skull!
JOHN: (haha what is he the washing up monitor?) So in answer to my question, will you be back to do some washing up?
What is with Cranky Pants' 'tude? He effs and blinds about everyone giving him a hard time to no one in particular as he lays down on the grass. Oh hush, sweetheart!!
11.45am, it's game 4 of Man vs Machine. HM's have chosen Nathan to take on a monumental battle of airbed inflating. All Seahorse is equipped with is a squeaky foot pump while Titan uses The Blowmaster to aerate the mattresses. The odds of him succeeding would make even McCririck wince! The others watch on from the plasma TV, Dave calls out for Nathan to put in some effort, wondering why he's going so slowly!
Titan wards off his competition with some fighting talk through movie quotes about him thinking he's a wise guy and 'you trying to break my nuts?'
NATHAN: (ignores robocop's words and focuses on his enthusiasm) Oi! Is that all you got, kid? Come on kid!!
The HM's are all smiles as they see the challenge unfold; the sequence is completely quickly by Titan and he is deemed victorious over Nathan. He doesn't take his defeat magnanimously, instead sticking both middle fingers up at the terror who is sniggering at him. He changes into his robot costume sniping 'oh will you stop harping on, Keith! I've had enough of your noise, pal!'
Dave and Steve are concerned about being a man down for the big battle the next day, with their dwindling numbers. (ad break - In the eviction crowd a heart poster is zoomed in on which reads 'John James you can take me down under xxx' :D) Backstage, the 3 new HM's are shown dressed up as astronauts to go boldly where 181 HM's have gone before. This time chants to 'get Nathan out' can be heard when Davina reads out the eviction numbers for John and Nathan before the second installment of house action.
12.08pm, Dave informs Benny that they've decided to send him in as cannon fodder on the next task - to which he flat out refuses. This task is the least amount of fun he'd probably ever had.
JOHN: (gobsmacked at Ben's direct defiance) What do you mean 'no'?
Steve winks along with it that they ought to burn Ben at the stake and send their mate over the top. Because it is the Baron, Ben changes his mind - that he doesn't mind! :D
As part of the robot invasion, HM's have been told that the garden is a danger zone. At any time Big Brobot could send Chaserbots to attack and turn HM's into robots. The siren screams and out comes Lightning McQueen's evil twin, Ife is the only non-robot outside so it makes a beeline for her and she wails 'I HATE YOU!'
The other HM's look on as she is chased when another siren is let off and an additional Bot is on the loose! 'He's a big bugger!' as Corin describes him fittingly, Ife spins around the Carousel pole so that her feet aren't touching the ground. Steve bellows at her to get down as she's not allowed to do that, so she lowers herself and has to exercise some nifty footwork to manoeuver around the chasers.
JOHN: (gobsmacked at Ben's direct defiance) What do you mean 'no'?
Steve winks along with it that they ought to burn Ben at the stake and send their mate over the top. Because it is the Baron, Ben changes his mind - that he doesn't mind! :D
As part of the robot invasion, HM's have been told that the garden is a danger zone. At any time Big Brobot could send Chaserbots to attack and turn HM's into robots. The siren screams and out comes Lightning McQueen's evil twin, Ife is the only non-robot outside so it makes a beeline for her and she wails 'I HATE YOU!'
The other HM's look on as she is chased when another siren is let off and an additional Bot is on the loose! 'He's a big bugger!' as Corin describes him fittingly, Ife spins around the Carousel pole so that her feet aren't touching the ground. Steve bellows at her to get down as she's not allowed to do that, so she lowers herself and has to exercise some nifty footwork to manoeuver around the chasers.
They dart after her still, revving up as she hops and leaps over the vehicles. Whiff pleads to be left alone and ha ha ha ha ha's as she is missed only to be bopped on the foot. The insiders commiserate her defeat and she yelps as another chaser rams into her side, inflicting her with pain.
She overturns one of the miniature monsters in a fit of fury and won't help flip it back over 'you hurt me!' John cheers her on as she brings down the other and Nathan welcomes her to the robot fraternity.
12.31pm, Ben shares his idea that they should have a moving strip like at baggage reclaims in airports, for those who always go to the Diary room. Steve would like one that will take Ben to the f**king sink for the washing up; Benjaminge would be happy with that. Dave asks how Steve would have liked Ben to have his back in Northern Ireland. Ben displays that he would have been in the Northern Ireland office trying to find a peaceful resolution and would be proud of that.
He adds that the war in the '30's was a mistake and that we (Britain) should have tried to avoid that and sort it out another way. John and Caoimhe are either both tired hence their eye rubbing or attempting to rip their eyeballs out of their sockets in sheer boredom. Mario refutes this as Adolf Hitler wanted a great empire and was going to invade regardless.
DAVE: Forget politics, the guy was full of demons!
Caoimhe confronts him on what he means by that and Dave again states his opinion that Hitler was severely demonised. She expresses hostility towards this viewpoint and gets off the sofa, muttering that it's like saying a nice person is full of Saints. Whatever has put her in this charming mood? The fact that Dave's 'bringing religion into it again. Do you know that kind of way?' She's not a happy camper as she slithers away, to Dave humming The Addams Family theme tune to her.
Ben's not saying that Hitler wasn't an awful person because he was BUT Britain in particular picks battles 'with tin pot tyrants who can't defend themselves on the whole. When in fact, we should in my view.. have a moral foreign policy - we should do things that are in the interest of Great Britain' and that we as a nation can't go around being the policemen of the world getting involved in Sierra Leone. 'Every country has to look after its own people first' as that's the way society works.
The dragon lady has gone to air (bitch) her grievances to Josie about Dave bringing religion into everything ridiculing his exclaims of 'God loves everyone!!!' Dave comes in to stand up to her that he's not asking her to stop being who she is but to please not expect him to stop talking the way he would on the outside world. He does not believe it is a natural person or ordinary human being to commit the atrocities that Adolf did 'you can't shut down who I am!'
She opposes that she's not trying to but is p*ssed off and is told that she is a very, very highly opinionated person 'if you see something that's against what you believe, you attack it. I do not attack who you are as a person!' Caoimhe censures that she does not attack him but he does by not allowing her to have a debate with him about religion 'because you don't want to be seen in a bad light!'
Dave contravenes this claim as it is nothing to do with being seen that way; if he's got an opinion he will give it. If he gave a rip, he wouldn't even be in there right now as 'none of this is going to work in my favour.' Meanwhile, Nathan effectively spits figuratively on the puritanical ninny for his views being completely 'whack'; Ben wants to know why they see them as wrong.
Because Ben had used the term 'policemen of the world' Nathan demands to learn why it is acceptable to let madmen go around killing innocent people. 'So you're going to let really bad people do really, really bad stuff to good people?' Ben absolutely doesn't want that but doesn't think Britain can afford to be these police because we're not in a position to be. This Nathan translates as Ben believing it to be permissible for these awful things to happen to innocents.
Ben's argument is that if our nation was in the position it was in the 1920's (when we basically ruled the world), then we could start interfering with the internal affairs of other countries and start taking them over. Nathan isn't talking about taking over but defending victims; Steve verbalises that we have a moral responsibility for the rest of the world to help where its needed.
NATHAN: (gets Medieval on his ass) You muck in, Ben! It's all about the world coming together and stopping bad f**kers being bad, Ben.
For once I'm inclined to agree with Nathan's stance - I think when we are able to we absolutely must join forces to combat evil and help alter the course of the future for those affected. Steve soberly decides that Ben is stuck in the old days of the 1930's. Ben debates that as a Britain he feels no more responsibility for an Australian than an Albanian 'your first loyalty has to be to the same countries that are under the Queen, with the same head of state - that's the way it works.'
Baron loses his cool and bandies that it doesn't work like that and that Ben's view is b*llocks 'I think you're talking out of your arse, I really do. You could not make any independent view on anything. Because you're not an MP. You've not been to war, you've not fought for your country, you've not done anything - have ya?' Ben has studied these things by reading books in a library.
Steve owns him with the fact that thousands and thousands of young men went to war all over Europe and gave their lives, so that Ben could sit there 'pompous and talk out of your f**king arse!' As far as he's concerned Ben's insulted him, his Granddad, forefathers and everybody who went to war by talking out of his arse. Ooooshhh Ben made the man mad!!
Josie ensures that Keevs is alright as she leaves the bedroom; Dave carps to her that Caiomhe does it all the time and is so strongly opinionated. Listing that she constantly tries to shut people down by storming out of the room, muttering under her breath or coming aggressively against what he believes.
Ben's day is going from bad to worse 'because I've criticised British foreign policy in the 1930's, according to Steve I have insulted every British soldier! I mean it is just outrageous. Some people are unbelievably thick.' And Caoimhe has a dark, cumulus nimbus hovering over her head after the accusation of her being a negative person with negative vibes as she didn't agree Hitler had the devil in him, when he did all those things.
Money is raised for the Armed Forces by Ben, so he feels entitled to his beliefs and is sorry but he's not going to be lectured on International politics and history by someone that's never read a book!
13.19pm, Caoimhe is in the Diary room to vent after another disagreement with Dave; she feels he cannot have a conversation without bringing God and the devil into it. She knows he doesn't like to be challenged so hates that she does when nobody else will take him to task on his religious beliefs. She'd like to discuss these things with him but won't anymore because clearly it's just going to cause an argument.
She doesn't appreciate the fact that Dave thinks she's a negative person when she doesn't feel she is at all 'I'm positive.' BB quizzes her on what positive traits she possesses and she's unable to think of a single one 'Oh God, next question!' She's about as positive as a nun's pregnancy test!! And perhaps me hating her retroactively for so long is rather ridiculous as all that ugliness is in the past now but I just cannot stop.
In the hut, Ben thanks Mario for putting up with him and preferring his dramas when he doesn't get involved with them. First thing Mario wants to stop right now is Ben's pity party (Ben's not asking for any but Mario picks up that he is pitying himself) Ben simply wants an explanation and to know what to do. Mario's advice is for Ben to carry on as normal because nobody is asking him to change his personality but just give a little more thought.
BEN: You've never had a whole group continuously having a go at you, over one or two things.
Mario definitely has in the outside world. In a soothing therapist mode he instructs Ben to lay down (in his lap) and have 3 minutes of silence, to turn off his brain and not think about what anyone has said or any other problems, close his eyes and relax.
MARIO: (gives him a crotch to 'cry' on) Pretend you're at home, lounging in your arm chair in your velvet smoking jacket with a Gin and Tonic .. and the sun is shining outside and the birds are singing.
Ben thanks Mario again for being his friend. (ad break) Davina reads out John and Nathan's numbers and the booooos for the Northern goon increase in rabidity!
13.54pm, it's the final game in Man vs Machine. HM's have chosen Steve to take on Titan in a speed battle of egg white whisking. Steve catcalls out to Titan not to be such a cry baby and then gets stuck into super-speedy whisking with his Iron arms. His HM's are wowed by the agility he exhibits throughout the task, especially as he is supplied with a lowly egg whisk to Titan's Whisker Whisker Deluxe.
Steve's jeers and sneers of derision trigger the evil robotic laughter from the beast; Dave jokes that Titan is impersonating Baron's own laugh! Josie reckons that Steve is going to beat the punk and Ife agrees that he definitely will.
STEVE: Come on you b*gger! Who's the Daddy?? WHO'S the Daddy?
Marcus Bentley's voice comes through the metal mouthpiece saying '2.01 01 01 01 pm' before Titan spritzes Stevo with water from his eyes - the way he had done to Caoimhe in her task. This does nothing to deter him from the chore at hand, if anything it EGGS him on all the more.
Ife trumpets that Steve was the best man for this - no doubt about it, he's whipping the cyborg!
STEVE: (roars) Read it and weep, sunshine!! Hey, stop getting close - you.
The chef in Nathan observes that Steve is only stirring the mixture when he ought to be whisking to get the air in it. Titan closes the distance between him and Steve attempts to elbow him away so the bionic man sets his whisk on Baron. Steve takes immense pleasure WHOO-HOOOOOOOOOOing right in his face and loudly concurs that Titan is negative (as Bentley says it over and over) the bot's bowl is on the floor so he's failed and the game is over.
Man is victorious and Steve offers a hand for Titan to shake, before lauding himself up 'BIG DADDY (pointing towards one of his tattoos) read it and weep, battery man!'
14.27pm, Josie finally gets some robot 'loving' if you can call it that.. but it's not from John James :( Nathan is officially sickening as he assaults Josie with some WWF moves (WTF!) he lifts her leg up in the air as she lays across the table, she kicks at him to get the raunchy robot away from her. She doesn't want to make this something dirty though would have no problem if it were John man-handling her in the same fashion ;)
Then he takes the chance to typewriter her while she's at his compliance - fortunately the cardboard clothes they are wearing as robot HM's prohibits his hands from touching the areas that only John gets to. Nathan wished with all his monobrow that he was the one consented to doing sexy things with her!
Ben is clearing the air with Baron in the bathroom over the things he's said not being as awful as they sounded. Where he admits to being totally wrong is that Steve has laid down his life for the country, in a way Ben couldn't possibly imagine.
He didn't mean to sound flippant but can understand that it did and just wants to apologise to him; Steve doesn't hold any grudge. They shake hands and Ben asserts how he wants Steve to know he holds him and their country in total, total respect.
He does consider Steve to be a good friend and never for one moment wanted him to think something he didn't think. Steve says it's cool and Ben promises to try and be more sensitive, thanking Steve for being so generous. (another ad break)
DAVINA: Look, we all know that John James can self-fallate but tonight he could be going down under in the geographical sense. Yes, if he's evicted he'll be heading back to his native Australia. But the decision is yours: Nathan or John James, who sucks? ;) (laughing in spite of herself as she reads the numbers out)
18.59pm, remaining human HM's must now take part in the ultimate battle of Man vs machine. They're not only fighting for survival; they're fighting for their shopping budget. Each human HM has customised a robot which they must pit against Big Brobot's warrior robot - Bigger Brother.
If any of the human HM's robots are still functioning after a 3 minute battle with Bigger Brother, they'll pass this week's shopping task. Let the battle commence.
John swears on seeing the Bot unleashed into the arena of destruction - realising that their chances of winning look very grim. Their robo friends are benched but cheering on from the sidelines for the unrobotic battlers who are about to be absolutely annihilated!
JOHN: Save me!!
The scenes that unfold are barbaric as the remorseless robots thirst for blood as Bigger Brother zooms around, taking them down one by one. Marcus Bentley's voice calls over 'robots are in charge now' Dave doesn't think the dirty tactics BB's bot is employing, are very nice. John is like an excitable young lad playing on his Scaletrix shouting out 'he's coming after me!'
Caoimhe is the first victim of roadkill when a shaft opens and takes her with it.
JOHN: (buckle up, cowboy) What the?!!! Ahhh he's coming up to me!
His robot war is soon over as he is the next casualty of the fray, his Robot is cornered so he has nowhere to go and then flipped fiercely into the air, landing on the ground outside the arena.
JOHN: Son of a b*tch!
There is a dramatic action replay in slow motion of the carnage as the 'car' careens to the floor with an almighty crash. And he can do nothing but watch on as a mad with power, Titan comes over to rub salt in the wound to violate John's vehicle.
JOHN: He's kicking my car!!!
With 1 minute and 53 seconds left of the onslaught, Ben and Mario have also been eliminated - leaving Dave and Steve as their only prospects to ward off the warrior and win the shopping task. There monster trucks meet their maker within seconds of each other and the trail of destruction is all that is left behind.
It was an inevitable loss as the competitors were unevenly matched to fight against such an unbeatable foe. HM's are left to bear with unbearable sorrow (anyone see what I've done hear? Hint: song lyrics) as Titan tells Bigger Brother 'you're good!' which is bound to be some movie quote from a film that I've never seen and cannot google.
BB announces that as no HM's are left in action, Bigger Brother has triumphed and HM's have failed this week's shopping task. A couple of the gang boo as Titan cackles in their faces; Corin cries out 'how crap!' and the rubbishy Robosuits are swiftly removed. Only Mario celebrates when Titan answers in the 'affirmative' that they are still going on that date and blows Mars a kiss.
NATHAN: (mock indignation) Mario, are you cheating on me?
9.30pm, Ben feels it is pretty liberating to be universally disliked as it means there's no desire to be ultra nice or diplomatic. Caoimhe is in exact alignment with this POV. Dave considers it crazy that someone can go from being universally liked to disliked within ONE day in there.
John James is doing an impression of Corin.
JOHN: (sounding scarily like her which 'isn't' creepy at all) 'Oh my Gooooddd! Have you got half a bottle of water? Ohhhh my Godd!!!!!!'
He is sat in bed with Josie who tells him to shut up as he's doing her head in.
JOHN: (presses on with his pitch perfect, peppy portrayal) 'Nathan, you're wearing a red singlet today! OH MY GODDDD!!!'
As much as she tries not to, Josie can't help but break out in chuckles at his dead-ringer duplicate of Corin's uberly shrill and stabbing voice.
JOHN: 'Mario, your hair's different today! Oh my God, oh my God - your hair.. are you loving it? (Mario comes over grinning) Are you loving it? Are you loving it? Are you buzzin'? Are you loving it? Are you loving it?'
JOSIE: (admonishing) John James you are such a b*tch.
JOHN: 'Are you loving your hair? (Josie shouts over him to 'shut his mop') Oh my God, your microphone's different today! Oh my Goood!' Ahhh she's just 'OH MY GODDDD! Are you loving it?'
As it's Dave's wedding anniversary today, Big Brother has given him a hot date. John is proved soooooooooooooooo right when her garishness explodes out when she sees the meal and photo Dave has waiting for him in the Diary room.
CORIN: (This is just NOT a normal happy) OH MY GOOOOOOOD! Aw, are you lovin' it? Wooooooo! Oh no way! 'Av a nice time!
JOHN: (this is his number one bummer) It's just like this 'meh meh meh meh.. I'm buzzin, me, I'm lovin' it me.. meh meh meh.'
JOSIE: (quietly annoyed) Alright..
JOHN: 'I'm buzzin me, I'm lovin it me!'
JOSIE: (scolds him more emphatically) SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPPP!
Dave is enjoying his romantic ruby murray, beer and mushy music with BB. BB asks how he met his wife - he used to go to a pub in Pontypool and remembers Donna coming in one day and she had a beautiful, leopard-print, skin-tight catsuit thing on and he thought she was gorgeous!
Corin comes into the bedroom narrowly missing out on the super semblance of her voice, to blast out that Dave's got a meal, photos of him and Donna, with a bottle of beer on a red velvet table. John is in the closet (so Coz doesn't see his reaction) all grumpy puss, he exhales, shudders and then shakes it off!
11.06pm, Nathan is shaving Ife's head telling her it looks quite pretty 'in a strange way.. if that makes sense. Like a model!' Ife thinks that would be so cool if only she were a bit skinnier and taller; Mario is reminded of the Egyptian Queen Nefertiti as that's what Ife looks like now. She's unsure if this is a compliment not knowing what she looks like.
They stroke her bald head like it is Sanka's lucky egg (Cool Runnings ref) Mario likens it to feeling like a rubber cap. Out at the spa, Dave asks Corin her thoughts on how she thinks the eviction will go tomorrow. She hopes like.. Nathan won't go as he keeps it real, is a proper lad's lad and hasn't had a lot of arguments. Dave praises that Seahorse is a lovely guy.
John James, she just can't work out but believes he's a nice guy though he's had lots of arguments and can't go through life arguing. Dave deems that it will be close; Corin will be gutted if Nathan goes and Dave will be too as he loves the guy.
DAVE: (he's in a quandary) But I love John in a different way, do you know what I mean?
Mario and John are in the Diary room, Mario takes on the role of BB asking John questions with an arm draped around his neck. 1st - How does he feel about tonight maybe being his last in the house?
JOHN: Look Mario, I feel pretty good. It's a shame that I'd have to leave a group of such lovely people.. Nah, that's a lie. Leave a lovely house, with lovely tasks and such a good time behind.
MARIO: And how will you feel if you stay, John?
JOHN: (Giggles awkwardly) Um.. very surprised. I've honestly not thought about staying at all. (More uncomfortable laughter)
BB is then permitted to take over the question-asking reins, putting one to Mario about if he'd miss John James if he went on Friday. He would greatly but is in an awful bind because he loves Nathan and John very much so. If he had to make an impossible choice, he'd rather keep John who has been his bed buddy from Day 1 (NOOO he hasn't as you were in the Mole hole first and he's been in the single after leaving your double) and is going to be gutted either way.
MARIO: (tries his luck and MY patience) Here's a proposition for you, if John and I kiss will you give us some alcohol?
JOHN: That was never in the deal!
Mario sssssshs him as he's doing the bargaining 'you just sit there and be pretty!' He's informed by BB that if he really wishes to kiss John James he doesn't need BB's permission so he plants one immediately on John's cheek. Woah, was he wanting himself and John to be a story of love in BB or what? When all he was doing was making John feel discomfited and uncovering his pervy candy coating.
JOHN: (far be it for him to intrude on their accosting of him) Haha, don't worry about needing my permission! (keeps trying to push him away chuckling uneasily and ducking down after Mario pecks the side of his face again) As long as he's got your permission!!
Mario takes hold of John's face, eager to turn it to lay one on his lips 'just a little peck, yeah?' So John gives in, knowing that Mario would neverrrrrr let it drop until he succeeded - and puckers up for a split second smackeroo as they touch lips very briefly. (John's first kiss in the house and it wasn't with Josie) It was too fast for Mario's taste so cheekily suggests another one but John is disinclined to acquiese his request.
JOHN: (redder than a lobster) F**k off. I felt like I was in Grade 2 again. That was like having your first kiss behind the bike shed.
The HL's ends and as the credits run, John looks lost in thought while Mario is quizzed about who he really is. Ife and Nathan can't believe he lives on soup as he spends so much money and never pays for entry to clubs or for his drinks.
EVICTION SHOW:
DAVINA: 3 new HM's are ready for lift off and 1 old HM is about to come crashing down to Earth.
She interviews Shabby, telling her she's very annoyed that she left - as is Shabs but she was highly emotional and highly strung. At that time she didn't even want to talk to Caoimhe.
SHABBY: John James - he's a good 'un! Do we love John James here? (there are resounding cheers)
Dav agrees that he's had a massive turnaround as when he was throwing paddies of his own, people went off him but now he's winning them back over. Shabby adds that John is wicked and really nice; her advice for anyone else thinking of leaving is 'DON'T!' as they'll massively regret it. Now she's had a few days to watch, she doesn't believe Caoimhe fancies her nor was she deliberately leading her on. Davina thinks Caoimhe really loved her as a person but has since blossomed in the house, making other friends.
Shabby didn't intentionally hold her back but as she was hated in there, some of the hate rubbed off on Caoimhe. She never acted up with her strops - that was exactly how she felt in the environment but she's not so bad on the outside.
SHABBY: John James to stay, even though I'd love to see him. Nathan to go, I'm afraid. John James is an absolute poppet! (my hatred for this word now runs very deep because of all the Faaron fans)
Davina asks her for an insight into John James and Josie and she's only to happy to share that when she was in there, she was convinced something was going on. 'BUT sorry to disappoint you, I'm not entirely sure if something's gonna happen in the house. I think they'll wait til afterwards.. but that's BORING!!' Awww why couldn't Caoimhe have left when Shabby did so that the Katchagoogoo stayed instead - she was SOOOOOO a triple J-er! <3
The three space oddities are ready to embark on their maiden voyage to the house but before they go in, one needs to go out. (ad break) Davina talks to the house, John puts on his jacket prepared and fully expecting to be thrown out even though Nathan is receiving humongous boos. Corin has her head clamped against Nathan's chest and her fingers tightly gripped around his.
John stands ready to have Davina read out his name as the 4th evictee but is told to sit down, he ignores the request and zips up his leather jacket. The HM's all drop something.. their JAWS as Seahorse is announced as the next person to leave the BB house. Although disappointed, he takes it a lot better than everyone else in the room; the disbelief is palpable but he is alright.
Nathan is swept up in hugs and he even stops to kiss John on the cheek to show that there are no hard feelings with this unpredicted outcome. John whispers in his ear that he's so sorry and others tell Nathan to get bladdered as he jumps about excitedly; Josie hadn't realised what had happened and thought Nathan had been saved.
Just as he reaches the top of the stairs running, the cursing cook trips over his own foot and stumbles back up. He receives a positive reception as he walks out the doors to The Verve's 'Bitter sweet symphony' despite getting 89% of the eviction vote!! (THANKS TO JJJAT and all other John supporters - sterling work!)
The gob-on-a-stick is told by Davina that he came out to lots of boos (which may have been more apparent in the actual audience as he was warmly cheered on my TV) he feels a bit shock and awed and out of his comfort zone, as he's left his protective bubble. When Davina speaks about John putting on his coat and being sure that he was leaving, Nathan calls him a 'really negative man' but Nate has learnt not to expect anything.
He boos to the 89% who voted him out and is reminded that he's in that seat thanks to Caoimhe swapping him in save and replace. Nathan had only had 2 nominations that week, when these are shown and he sees Josie is one (Caoimhe the other) he looks displeased about it (her reason was that she'd never dream of touching somebody's personal belongings as he had yelled at her over doing) so Davina assures him it wasn't an easy nomination for Josie to make and that she does like him.
Nathan felt like he'd wasted his first 3 weeks sulking and slumped around in the kitchen; when he wanted to kick with Fauntelroy and The Monk as he can't get enough of them! His Grandma Elaine was apparently disappointed with all his swearing as he has such a wonderful vocabulary. He admits to being territorial in the kitchen as he loves it but nobody offered - only Josie once. Davina questions him on whether he fancied Josie or not.
NATHAN: (doesn't even hesitate ever so slightly) Yeah a little bit, of course I did. She's marriage material, you could have right crack with her for the rest of your life, couldn't ya?
Davina melts at his use of the term marriage-material 'you could have so much fun with her! What happened with John James? He so got in the way!'
NATHAN: Ah well, innit. He's a moody, sulky little kid in't he?
After he's shown a New Magazine headline about how NATHAN is Josie's type not John, he cheers for Josie's step-sister and says he'll have a crack at home/he has a crack of hope! (Awks since Rachael is virtually waiting in the wings to stake her claim in him!!) Nathan describes Ben as the most selfish man he's ever met but soooo funny with whack views - he absolutely loves him! Corin has been crying her eyes out since the minute Nathan let, Nathan says she's a little darlin' and he really clicked with her.
In the messages pre-recorded in the event of Nathan's eviction: Josie promises to try and feed up the campers with some hearty meals, Caoimhe reveals that he intimidated a lot of HM's and Corin is absolutely gutted to be left with all the arguments.
A viewer phones in and quizzes him on why he didn't go there with Josie or Rachael (who thought he was 'alright') as he came in as a Ladie's man. He didn't want to go in and start throwing himself about as soon as he got there but confesses to being besotted with Rachael and found her really gorgeous! Then the caller insults his appearance as he looks like he belongs in the Ice Age and needs to wax that eyebrow.
Nathan says again that John is a big kid and would have said he threw the task as he lost it (because he doesn't like losing) - he boos when the next caller says she likes John but then calls him a good kid.
The 3 new HM's VT's are played - Keeley a 30 year old, travel agent from Manchester with small woman syndrome, thinks people are jealous of her and she has a superiority complex. 'If I want a man, I can get a man!' Andrew a 19 year old student, wants to show the media that young people aren't just uneducated, lager louts and can provide thought-provoking TV. Rachel (number 2) a 29 year old, Ryan air cabin crew member from Liverpool who fancies Nick Clegg as he has a nice smile and twinkly eyes. She doesn't know if she's generally slow or is getting ripped off with 50 hours of driving lessons in an automatic.
Davina asks Keeley what she thinks of the HM's and the response is they're alright but need more excitement and to be pushed and she's going to do it. Andrew would hold umbrage with Caoimhe as she seems a bit above it all and she looks firm and just erghhh with that haircut. If Rachel had to nominate this week - she'd choose Caoimhe as she's hard and will say to someone's face if she doesn't like something; Keeley would too as Keevil is arrogant. (ad break)
Time for the most ambitious and bizarre HM entrance, the house has ever seen and it all could go horribly wrong as the spaceship touches down in the BB garden. None of the HM's know they are about to have a close encounter of the 'new HM kind.'
DAVINA: Getting out of cars, or walking through doors - is so last year, darling. What are HM's gonna do when they see a UFO land in the garden? It is time to cross over to the house, to find out.
Bob Righter fires to life (and as Dave jokes it is good to see Old Bob doing something) Steve spots a hand push the card through the opening, Ife seeks permission to read it out to the group. "You've just witnessed Nathan's demise, now it's time to look to the skies." Ife is perplexed by the rhyme but Steve told them it's gotta be new HM's coming in.
Corin doesn't understand what that means though; Caoimhe in her excitement grabs onto Dave's arm with a shriek. The blinds gradually open so they can peer into the garden and an orchestral soundtrack from one of the space-themed movies (the title of which escapes me) is played into the house. By BB standards, this is a cinematic spectacle but I don't think Steven Spielberg will be shaking in his boots!
They observe 3 circles on the floor and the (tinfoil decorated) spaceship in the sky, from the bird's eye view angle the audience are treated to - this appears to be manned by an enormous crane to lower it down to the ground. There is an air of animation as the HM's make exclamations of excitation - some are filled with trepidation, others WOW-ed as the UFO falls from the sky.
JOHN: (in a flurry of fervour) Are there people there? Are there people there?
JOSIE: Mario, it's your brothers!!
HM's then worry that they may have to pick one or two to stay (which would mean disappointing the unchosen)
JOHN: (bosses) Just everyone shush and wait to see what happens.
Mario moans that they won't get to see the faces (assuming that they will be in astronaut gear) only to be berated by John for him to relax for once, man!
IFE: Relax, John? Are you serious? Have you seen what's in the garden?
JOHN: Yeah but just wait.
They ooh and aah as the first spacemen take a giant leap out of the spaceship into unknown territory. John predicts that it'll be a guy and two girls (as the two females are shorter in height) and reckons he knows who that guy is 'that's Marcus!' (poss referring to Mark Henderson who he was in a lock down group with, he later was selected as a HM for BB12) Mario is adamant that the guy should be chosen for obvious reasons ;)
HM's are instructed to remain in the house as the Spacemen are welcomed to Earth by BB and then ordered to remove their helmets. There are whoops and giggles as some of them clearly recognise each other from the audition process (Mario and Josie had been in lock down with Keeley) - Keeley wiggles her metallic bottom and is screeched at by Corin (who has forgotten all about Nathan's departure) 'ARE YOU LOVIN' ITTTTT?'
The Earthlings are then granted access to the garden to greet their new friends and a mass hugging orgy of jumping around and general gaiety ensues. The HM's have landed!!!! The house is buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzing because of the new arrivals and they waste no time in introductions and making them all feel at home.
12.31pm, Ben shares his idea that they should have a moving strip like at baggage reclaims in airports, for those who always go to the Diary room. Steve would like one that will take Ben to the f**king sink for the washing up; Benjaminge would be happy with that. Dave asks how Steve would have liked Ben to have his back in Northern Ireland. Ben displays that he would have been in the Northern Ireland office trying to find a peaceful resolution and would be proud of that.
He adds that the war in the '30's was a mistake and that we (Britain) should have tried to avoid that and sort it out another way. John and Caoimhe are either both tired hence their eye rubbing or attempting to rip their eyeballs out of their sockets in sheer boredom. Mario refutes this as Adolf Hitler wanted a great empire and was going to invade regardless.
DAVE: Forget politics, the guy was full of demons!
Caoimhe confronts him on what he means by that and Dave again states his opinion that Hitler was severely demonised. She expresses hostility towards this viewpoint and gets off the sofa, muttering that it's like saying a nice person is full of Saints. Whatever has put her in this charming mood? The fact that Dave's 'bringing religion into it again. Do you know that kind of way?' She's not a happy camper as she slithers away, to Dave humming The Addams Family theme tune to her.
The dragon lady has gone to air (bitch) her grievances to Josie about Dave bringing religion into everything ridiculing his exclaims of 'God loves everyone!!!' Dave comes in to stand up to her that he's not asking her to stop being who she is but to please not expect him to stop talking the way he would on the outside world. He does not believe it is a natural person or ordinary human being to commit the atrocities that Adolf did 'you can't shut down who I am!'
She opposes that she's not trying to but is p*ssed off and is told that she is a very, very highly opinionated person 'if you see something that's against what you believe, you attack it. I do not attack who you are as a person!' Caoimhe censures that she does not attack him but he does by not allowing her to have a debate with him about religion 'because you don't want to be seen in a bad light!'
Dave contravenes this claim as it is nothing to do with being seen that way; if he's got an opinion he will give it. If he gave a rip, he wouldn't even be in there right now as 'none of this is going to work in my favour.' Meanwhile, Nathan effectively spits figuratively on the puritanical ninny for his views being completely 'whack'; Ben wants to know why they see them as wrong.
Ben's argument is that if our nation was in the position it was in the 1920's (when we basically ruled the world), then we could start interfering with the internal affairs of other countries and start taking them over. Nathan isn't talking about taking over but defending victims; Steve verbalises that we have a moral responsibility for the rest of the world to help where its needed.
NATHAN: (gets Medieval on his ass) You muck in, Ben! It's all about the world coming together and stopping bad f**kers being bad, Ben.
For once I'm inclined to agree with Nathan's stance - I think when we are able to we absolutely must join forces to combat evil and help alter the course of the future for those affected. Steve soberly decides that Ben is stuck in the old days of the 1930's. Ben debates that as a Britain he feels no more responsibility for an Australian than an Albanian 'your first loyalty has to be to the same countries that are under the Queen, with the same head of state - that's the way it works.'
Steve owns him with the fact that thousands and thousands of young men went to war all over Europe and gave their lives, so that Ben could sit there 'pompous and talk out of your f**king arse!' As far as he's concerned Ben's insulted him, his Granddad, forefathers and everybody who went to war by talking out of his arse. Ooooshhh Ben made the man mad!!
Josie ensures that Keevs is alright as she leaves the bedroom; Dave carps to her that Caiomhe does it all the time and is so strongly opinionated. Listing that she constantly tries to shut people down by storming out of the room, muttering under her breath or coming aggressively against what he believes.
Ben's day is going from bad to worse 'because I've criticised British foreign policy in the 1930's, according to Steve I have insulted every British soldier! I mean it is just outrageous. Some people are unbelievably thick.' And Caoimhe has a dark, cumulus nimbus hovering over her head after the accusation of her being a negative person with negative vibes as she didn't agree Hitler had the devil in him, when he did all those things.
Money is raised for the Armed Forces by Ben, so he feels entitled to his beliefs and is sorry but he's not going to be lectured on International politics and history by someone that's never read a book!
She doesn't appreciate the fact that Dave thinks she's a negative person when she doesn't feel she is at all 'I'm positive.' BB quizzes her on what positive traits she possesses and she's unable to think of a single one 'Oh God, next question!' She's about as positive as a nun's pregnancy test!! And perhaps me hating her retroactively for so long is rather ridiculous as all that ugliness is in the past now but I just cannot stop.
In the hut, Ben thanks Mario for putting up with him and preferring his dramas when he doesn't get involved with them. First thing Mario wants to stop right now is Ben's pity party (Ben's not asking for any but Mario picks up that he is pitying himself) Ben simply wants an explanation and to know what to do. Mario's advice is for Ben to carry on as normal because nobody is asking him to change his personality but just give a little more thought.
Mario definitely has in the outside world. In a soothing therapist mode he instructs Ben to lay down (in his lap) and have 3 minutes of silence, to turn off his brain and not think about what anyone has said or any other problems, close his eyes and relax.
MARIO: (gives him a crotch to 'cry' on) Pretend you're at home, lounging in your arm chair in your velvet smoking jacket with a Gin and Tonic .. and the sun is shining outside and the birds are singing.
Ben thanks Mario again for being his friend. (ad break) Davina reads out John and Nathan's numbers and the booooos for the Northern goon increase in rabidity!
Steve's jeers and sneers of derision trigger the evil robotic laughter from the beast; Dave jokes that Titan is impersonating Baron's own laugh! Josie reckons that Steve is going to beat the punk and Ife agrees that he definitely will.
STEVE: Come on you b*gger! Who's the Daddy?? WHO'S the Daddy?
Marcus Bentley's voice comes through the metal mouthpiece saying '2.01 01 01 01 pm' before Titan spritzes Stevo with water from his eyes - the way he had done to Caoimhe in her task. This does nothing to deter him from the chore at hand, if anything it EGGS him on all the more.
Ife trumpets that Steve was the best man for this - no doubt about it, he's whipping the cyborg!
STEVE: (roars) Read it and weep, sunshine!! Hey, stop getting close - you.
Man is victorious and Steve offers a hand for Titan to shake, before lauding himself up 'BIG DADDY (pointing towards one of his tattoos) read it and weep, battery man!'
14.27pm, Josie finally gets some robot 'loving' if you can call it that.. but it's not from John James :( Nathan is officially sickening as he assaults Josie with some WWF moves (WTF!) he lifts her leg up in the air as she lays across the table, she kicks at him to get the raunchy robot away from her. She doesn't want to make this something dirty though would have no problem if it were John man-handling her in the same fashion ;)
Then he takes the chance to typewriter her while she's at his compliance - fortunately the cardboard clothes they are wearing as robot HM's prohibits his hands from touching the areas that only John gets to. Nathan wished with all his monobrow that he was the one consented to doing sexy things with her!
Ben is clearing the air with Baron in the bathroom over the things he's said not being as awful as they sounded. Where he admits to being totally wrong is that Steve has laid down his life for the country, in a way Ben couldn't possibly imagine.
He does consider Steve to be a good friend and never for one moment wanted him to think something he didn't think. Steve says it's cool and Ben promises to try and be more sensitive, thanking Steve for being so generous. (another ad break)
DAVINA: Look, we all know that John James can self-fallate but tonight he could be going down under in the geographical sense. Yes, if he's evicted he'll be heading back to his native Australia. But the decision is yours: Nathan or John James, who sucks? ;) (laughing in spite of herself as she reads the numbers out)
18.59pm, remaining human HM's must now take part in the ultimate battle of Man vs machine. They're not only fighting for survival; they're fighting for their shopping budget. Each human HM has customised a robot which they must pit against Big Brobot's warrior robot - Bigger Brother.
If any of the human HM's robots are still functioning after a 3 minute battle with Bigger Brother, they'll pass this week's shopping task. Let the battle commence.
JOHN: Save me!!
The scenes that unfold are barbaric as the remorseless robots thirst for blood as Bigger Brother zooms around, taking them down one by one. Marcus Bentley's voice calls over 'robots are in charge now' Dave doesn't think the dirty tactics BB's bot is employing, are very nice. John is like an excitable young lad playing on his Scaletrix shouting out 'he's coming after me!'
Caoimhe is the first victim of roadkill when a shaft opens and takes her with it.
JOHN: (buckle up, cowboy) What the?!!! Ahhh he's coming up to me!
His robot war is soon over as he is the next casualty of the fray, his Robot is cornered so he has nowhere to go and then flipped fiercely into the air, landing on the ground outside the arena.
JOHN: Son of a b*tch!
There is a dramatic action replay in slow motion of the carnage as the 'car' careens to the floor with an almighty crash. And he can do nothing but watch on as a mad with power, Titan comes over to rub salt in the wound to violate John's vehicle.
With 1 minute and 53 seconds left of the onslaught, Ben and Mario have also been eliminated - leaving Dave and Steve as their only prospects to ward off the warrior and win the shopping task. There monster trucks meet their maker within seconds of each other and the trail of destruction is all that is left behind.
It was an inevitable loss as the competitors were unevenly matched to fight against such an unbeatable foe. HM's are left to bear with unbearable sorrow (anyone see what I've done hear? Hint: song lyrics) as Titan tells Bigger Brother 'you're good!' which is bound to be some movie quote from a film that I've never seen and cannot google.
BB announces that as no HM's are left in action, Bigger Brother has triumphed and HM's have failed this week's shopping task. A couple of the gang boo as Titan cackles in their faces; Corin cries out 'how crap!' and the rubbishy Robosuits are swiftly removed. Only Mario celebrates when Titan answers in the 'affirmative' that they are still going on that date and blows Mars a kiss.
NATHAN: (mock indignation) Mario, are you cheating on me?
9.30pm, Ben feels it is pretty liberating to be universally disliked as it means there's no desire to be ultra nice or diplomatic. Caoimhe is in exact alignment with this POV. Dave considers it crazy that someone can go from being universally liked to disliked within ONE day in there.
JOHN: (sounding scarily like her which 'isn't' creepy at all) 'Oh my Gooooddd! Have you got half a bottle of water? Ohhhh my Godd!!!!!!'
He is sat in bed with Josie who tells him to shut up as he's doing her head in.
JOHN: (presses on with his pitch perfect, peppy portrayal) 'Nathan, you're wearing a red singlet today! OH MY GODDDD!!!'
As much as she tries not to, Josie can't help but break out in chuckles at his dead-ringer duplicate of Corin's uberly shrill and stabbing voice.
JOHN: 'Mario, your hair's different today! Oh my God, oh my God - your hair.. are you loving it? (Mario comes over grinning) Are you loving it? Are you loving it? Are you buzzin'? Are you loving it? Are you loving it?'
JOSIE: (admonishing) John James you are such a b*tch.
JOHN: 'Are you loving your hair? (Josie shouts over him to 'shut his mop') Oh my God, your microphone's different today! Oh my Goood!' Ahhh she's just 'OH MY GODDDD! Are you loving it?'
CORIN: (This is just NOT a normal happy) OH MY GOOOOOOOD! Aw, are you lovin' it? Wooooooo! Oh no way! 'Av a nice time!
JOHN: (this is his number one bummer) It's just like this 'meh meh meh meh.. I'm buzzin, me, I'm lovin' it me.. meh meh meh.'
JOSIE: (quietly annoyed) Alright..
JOHN: 'I'm buzzin me, I'm lovin it me!'
JOSIE: (scolds him more emphatically) SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPPP!
Dave is enjoying his romantic ruby murray, beer and mushy music with BB. BB asks how he met his wife - he used to go to a pub in Pontypool and remembers Donna coming in one day and she had a beautiful, leopard-print, skin-tight catsuit thing on and he thought she was gorgeous!
Corin comes into the bedroom narrowly missing out on the super semblance of her voice, to blast out that Dave's got a meal, photos of him and Donna, with a bottle of beer on a red velvet table. John is in the closet (so Coz doesn't see his reaction) all grumpy puss, he exhales, shudders and then shakes it off!
They stroke her bald head like it is Sanka's lucky egg (Cool Runnings ref) Mario likens it to feeling like a rubber cap. Out at the spa, Dave asks Corin her thoughts on how she thinks the eviction will go tomorrow. She hopes like.. Nathan won't go as he keeps it real, is a proper lad's lad and hasn't had a lot of arguments. Dave praises that Seahorse is a lovely guy.
John James, she just can't work out but believes he's a nice guy though he's had lots of arguments and can't go through life arguing. Dave deems that it will be close; Corin will be gutted if Nathan goes and Dave will be too as he loves the guy.
DAVE: (he's in a quandary) But I love John in a different way, do you know what I mean?
Mario and John are in the Diary room, Mario takes on the role of BB asking John questions with an arm draped around his neck. 1st - How does he feel about tonight maybe being his last in the house?
JOHN: Look Mario, I feel pretty good. It's a shame that I'd have to leave a group of such lovely people.. Nah, that's a lie. Leave a lovely house, with lovely tasks and such a good time behind.
JOHN: (Giggles awkwardly) Um.. very surprised. I've honestly not thought about staying at all. (More uncomfortable laughter)
BB is then permitted to take over the question-asking reins, putting one to Mario about if he'd miss John James if he went on Friday. He would greatly but is in an awful bind because he loves Nathan and John very much so. If he had to make an impossible choice, he'd rather keep John who has been his bed buddy from Day 1 (NOOO he hasn't as you were in the Mole hole first and he's been in the single after leaving your double) and is going to be gutted either way.
MARIO: (tries his luck and MY patience) Here's a proposition for you, if John and I kiss will you give us some alcohol?
JOHN: That was never in the deal!
Mario sssssshs him as he's doing the bargaining 'you just sit there and be pretty!' He's informed by BB that if he really wishes to kiss John James he doesn't need BB's permission so he plants one immediately on John's cheek. Woah, was he wanting himself and John to be a story of love in BB or what? When all he was doing was making John feel discomfited and uncovering his pervy candy coating.
JOHN: (far be it for him to intrude on their accosting of him) Haha, don't worry about needing my permission! (keeps trying to push him away chuckling uneasily and ducking down after Mario pecks the side of his face again) As long as he's got your permission!!
JOHN: (redder than a lobster) F**k off. I felt like I was in Grade 2 again. That was like having your first kiss behind the bike shed.
The HL's ends and as the credits run, John looks lost in thought while Mario is quizzed about who he really is. Ife and Nathan can't believe he lives on soup as he spends so much money and never pays for entry to clubs or for his drinks.
EVICTION SHOW:
DAVINA: 3 new HM's are ready for lift off and 1 old HM is about to come crashing down to Earth.
She interviews Shabby, telling her she's very annoyed that she left - as is Shabs but she was highly emotional and highly strung. At that time she didn't even want to talk to Caoimhe.
SHABBY: John James - he's a good 'un! Do we love John James here? (there are resounding cheers)
Shabby didn't intentionally hold her back but as she was hated in there, some of the hate rubbed off on Caoimhe. She never acted up with her strops - that was exactly how she felt in the environment but she's not so bad on the outside.
SHABBY: John James to stay, even though I'd love to see him. Nathan to go, I'm afraid. John James is an absolute poppet! (my hatred for this word now runs very deep because of all the Faaron fans)
Davina asks her for an insight into John James and Josie and she's only to happy to share that when she was in there, she was convinced something was going on. 'BUT sorry to disappoint you, I'm not entirely sure if something's gonna happen in the house. I think they'll wait til afterwards.. but that's BORING!!' Awww why couldn't Caoimhe have left when Shabby did so that the Katchagoogoo stayed instead - she was SOOOOOO a triple J-er! <3
The three space oddities are ready to embark on their maiden voyage to the house but before they go in, one needs to go out. (ad break) Davina talks to the house, John puts on his jacket prepared and fully expecting to be thrown out even though Nathan is receiving humongous boos. Corin has her head clamped against Nathan's chest and her fingers tightly gripped around his.
Nathan is swept up in hugs and he even stops to kiss John on the cheek to show that there are no hard feelings with this unpredicted outcome. John whispers in his ear that he's so sorry and others tell Nathan to get bladdered as he jumps about excitedly; Josie hadn't realised what had happened and thought Nathan had been saved.
Just as he reaches the top of the stairs running, the cursing cook trips over his own foot and stumbles back up. He receives a positive reception as he walks out the doors to The Verve's 'Bitter sweet symphony' despite getting 89% of the eviction vote!! (THANKS TO JJJAT and all other John supporters - sterling work!)
The gob-on-a-stick is told by Davina that he came out to lots of boos (which may have been more apparent in the actual audience as he was warmly cheered on my TV) he feels a bit shock and awed and out of his comfort zone, as he's left his protective bubble. When Davina speaks about John putting on his coat and being sure that he was leaving, Nathan calls him a 'really negative man' but Nate has learnt not to expect anything.
He boos to the 89% who voted him out and is reminded that he's in that seat thanks to Caoimhe swapping him in save and replace. Nathan had only had 2 nominations that week, when these are shown and he sees Josie is one (Caoimhe the other) he looks displeased about it (her reason was that she'd never dream of touching somebody's personal belongings as he had yelled at her over doing) so Davina assures him it wasn't an easy nomination for Josie to make and that she does like him.
NATHAN: (doesn't even hesitate ever so slightly) Yeah a little bit, of course I did. She's marriage material, you could have right crack with her for the rest of your life, couldn't ya?
Davina melts at his use of the term marriage-material 'you could have so much fun with her! What happened with John James? He so got in the way!'
NATHAN: Ah well, innit. He's a moody, sulky little kid in't he?
After he's shown a New Magazine headline about how NATHAN is Josie's type not John, he cheers for Josie's step-sister and says he'll have a crack at home/he has a crack of hope! (Awks since Rachael is virtually waiting in the wings to stake her claim in him!!) Nathan describes Ben as the most selfish man he's ever met but soooo funny with whack views - he absolutely loves him! Corin has been crying her eyes out since the minute Nathan let, Nathan says she's a little darlin' and he really clicked with her.
In the messages pre-recorded in the event of Nathan's eviction: Josie promises to try and feed up the campers with some hearty meals, Caoimhe reveals that he intimidated a lot of HM's and Corin is absolutely gutted to be left with all the arguments.
Nathan says again that John is a big kid and would have said he threw the task as he lost it (because he doesn't like losing) - he boos when the next caller says she likes John but then calls him a good kid.
The 3 new HM's VT's are played - Keeley a 30 year old, travel agent from Manchester with small woman syndrome, thinks people are jealous of her and she has a superiority complex. 'If I want a man, I can get a man!' Andrew a 19 year old student, wants to show the media that young people aren't just uneducated, lager louts and can provide thought-provoking TV. Rachel (number 2) a 29 year old, Ryan air cabin crew member from Liverpool who fancies Nick Clegg as he has a nice smile and twinkly eyes. She doesn't know if she's generally slow or is getting ripped off with 50 hours of driving lessons in an automatic.
Davina asks Keeley what she thinks of the HM's and the response is they're alright but need more excitement and to be pushed and she's going to do it. Andrew would hold umbrage with Caoimhe as she seems a bit above it all and she looks firm and just erghhh with that haircut. If Rachel had to nominate this week - she'd choose Caoimhe as she's hard and will say to someone's face if she doesn't like something; Keeley would too as Keevil is arrogant. (ad break)
DAVINA: Getting out of cars, or walking through doors - is so last year, darling. What are HM's gonna do when they see a UFO land in the garden? It is time to cross over to the house, to find out.
Bob Righter fires to life (and as Dave jokes it is good to see Old Bob doing something) Steve spots a hand push the card through the opening, Ife seeks permission to read it out to the group. "You've just witnessed Nathan's demise, now it's time to look to the skies." Ife is perplexed by the rhyme but Steve told them it's gotta be new HM's coming in.
Corin doesn't understand what that means though; Caoimhe in her excitement grabs onto Dave's arm with a shriek. The blinds gradually open so they can peer into the garden and an orchestral soundtrack from one of the space-themed movies (the title of which escapes me) is played into the house. By BB standards, this is a cinematic spectacle but I don't think Steven Spielberg will be shaking in his boots!
JOHN: (in a flurry of fervour) Are there people there? Are there people there?
JOSIE: Mario, it's your brothers!!
HM's then worry that they may have to pick one or two to stay (which would mean disappointing the unchosen)
JOHN: (bosses) Just everyone shush and wait to see what happens.
Mario moans that they won't get to see the faces (assuming that they will be in astronaut gear) only to be berated by John for him to relax for once, man!
IFE: Relax, John? Are you serious? Have you seen what's in the garden?
JOHN: Yeah but just wait.
HM's are instructed to remain in the house as the Spacemen are welcomed to Earth by BB and then ordered to remove their helmets. There are whoops and giggles as some of them clearly recognise each other from the audition process (Mario and Josie had been in lock down with Keeley) - Keeley wiggles her metallic bottom and is screeched at by Corin (who has forgotten all about Nathan's departure) 'ARE YOU LOVIN' ITTTTT?'
The Earthlings are then granted access to the garden to greet their new friends and a mass hugging orgy of jumping around and general gaiety ensues. The HM's have landed!!!! The house is buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzing because of the new arrivals and they waste no time in introductions and making them all feel at home.
BBBM:
Eerily
Silli Twatti and his then girlfriend/wife/lover (Alex Addams I believe her name is) are in the audience
and Billi keeps trying to get his beak in the shot but Davina makes
no mention or fuss of him. Scratch that, he rocks up in the Lady Gaga
ft Beyonce Telephone music video where Rachael poisons his burger and
he drops dead on the diner table.
Seann
Walsh comedian thinks Andrew needs sex, Davina would like to see
Josie get her hands on him but Seann's proposal is for Andrew to be
blindfolded and then work out how many did him as he's good at maths.
Fun factoids about the intruders: ANDREW-
Milky Bar Kid did his first A Level had 13. RACHEL – has been to
Morocco for 25 minutes, was sacked by Mecca Bingo and spends most of
her money on alcohol and Primark. KEELEY – collects gays, wants to
be reincarnated as a terrapin and had her heart broken by a man
called Antonia. (looks a bit like Hayden Panettiere from Heroes)
Shabby
and her magic hat (which she honestly wouldn't sell for any sum after
making such a fool of herself over it) make a guest appearance on the
spin-off show to say it took her just 20 minutes to realise she'd
made a heinous mistake in leaving, as she calmed down after freaking.
She hits on 'gorgeous' pop starlet Jamelia who is flattered but feels awkward;
Shabby admits to basing her self-image after The Artful Dodger in
Oliver. Davina offers up her bum for a groping to the hands of the
BBBM audience after she firms it for them!
Shabster
did not go to private school but discovered in the house that she
went to the same school as Ife, with whom there was no love lost. She
feels that Mario is putting on an act in the house as he's actually a
spiteful, catty guy who switched on Ben because he didn't like him
back. Also disagrees with Caoimhe and John that Corin is fake and
vocalises that she's 100% real but just gets annoyed sometimes. If it
were not the last series, Davina would be annoyed that Shabby was
getting an interview as future HM's would want the same.
'The
monobrowed little chef goes under the Big Mouth grill – he's got
attitude, he's got vests, he's got rid of his lesbian pests!' He eyes
up Rachael in her Wonder Woman outfit as 'she's fit innit!' Jamelia
asks him if he kisses his mother with that mouth – he does but on
the cheek, the expletives are bubbling up inside him. Seahorse didn't
feel he'd bullied anyone in the house and Scabby agrees with him that
she is a raincloud of doom, what she had a problem with was the
reasonably aggressive way he sauntered towards her. He is apologetic
that he made her feel threatened; some of Shabby's own behaviour
appals her.
The
studio lights are dimmed, and music cued *Bump and Grind* for
Rachael to hug Nathan and hold his hand, to tell him that when she
left she really missed him loads. She hadn't got the chance to say in
the house that she really liked him so in a cringey set-up moment and
baby girly voice she tells him now. Shabby's mouth falls open and her eyes
widen in utter surprise (which was pretty much my same reaction) as Nathan replies that he'd marry her
tomorrow. The crowd chant for them to kiss and after Rachael declines
at first on account of her black lipstick – they give the audience
what they want with the money shot! She is serious and asks him out
for a date to have a drink; he plays it cool that they'll see how it
goes.
It still hurts my heart that Rachael and Nathan are still together and made their relationship work, where John and Josie failed. If anyone I thought Nachael would be the ones to last the distance.. but it possibly worked out for them as they didn't have the hysterical hype surrounding them that JJJ did. Makes me kinda wish that they'd been the ones we all rooted for so that John and Jose would have had the opportunity to run off into the sunset to Australia.. maybe then they'd have had their happily-ever-after together.
It still hurts my heart that Rachael and Nathan are still together and made their relationship work, where John and Josie failed. If anyone I thought Nachael would be the ones to last the distance.. but it possibly worked out for them as they didn't have the hysterical hype surrounding them that JJJ did. Makes me kinda wish that they'd been the ones we all rooted for so that John and Jose would have had the opportunity to run off into the sunset to Australia.. maybe then they'd have had their happily-ever-after together.
Davina herself has subscribed to the live feed and says it is worth the £14 because in an hour show you miss out on personalities. Jamelia is in favour of Wavy Davy and doesn't see anything wrong with him preaching if that's his passion. Seann jokes that Dave is Michael McIntyre if he worked in a video store. Shabby's opinion of him changed (his moral views on gay marriage aside) in the last few days they formed a friendship and he's a 'proper nice guy.' Dave's friend (he does the DJ-ing at Sloshfest) in the audience tells everyone that old Dave just has a lot of love to give and spends a lot of time getting whacked with him.
NATHAN: He's a sound guy.
Dave's friend argues that there's no way Dave is homophobic (as they bring up how he compared homosexuals to witches and warlocks) as he loves everyone - gay or not. Davina thinks it may be coming across wrong and that he ought to be a put more sensitive and choose his words carefully. Nathan's biggest regret is not getting to know Dave and Ben better.
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